How to Know if Your Lover is Right for You..
September 7, 2010 § Leave a comment
Here’s a rather strange but scarily effective exercise for knowing whether or not your lover – or the person who could be – is a good match for you long term.
Ok. Think of that person.
How are they? What are they wearing? What kind of expression do they have? What kind of a mood are they in? What are they saying? How do they make you feel?
Good. Just to let you know, those questions were total misnomers; but it’s good to get you limbered up anyhow. Here comes the real work: grab some pieces of paper, around 6 will probably suffice.
Now thinking of your loved one again, what are the main areas of importance in their life?
To give you an example, I did this exercise about a certain girl I spent a long time flirting with. Now I travel a lot and am therefore chronically single and don’t have a loved one, but that’s a story we’ll not delve into here. Things had died down between us and I kind of wondered what ifs and buts, but for the sake of learning this exercise I had to use some example – life or death romance case or not. So I identified her main life areas as: family, friends, the city where she lived, the city where she was born and xyzxyzzzz – which sadly enough was both her work, study, interest and hobby ;). I also put down fun, or leisure choices. I’m sure you can think of the most suitable options with your loved one in mind.
Now, write or draw or express in some way each of the life areas onto separate pieces of paper, so that there is one area per piece. Find a floor space that’s clean enough and large enough for you to wander around in for a few minutes and place those pieces of paper across the floor where they need to be. Just put them down in various places that feel right. I had my six pieces of paper, or areas, in front of me pretty much in a straight line, running from left to right.
Now, standing to one side of the pieces of paper, spend a couple of moments and reflect: how’s the relationship going? What kind of future do you think is possible? What kind of future do you want? What kind of future does he or she want?
Now, when you’re ready, take a step so that you’re standing in one of their six areas. Take a moment to imagine and feel what it’s like to be there. Notice what attracts you about this area – if anything. Notice what separates you from this area, if anything. Could you be here, long term? Or could you not? By the way – how certain are you of the information or feelings that you’re getting from that space there? Do you lack information about that area of your lover’s life? If you lack information, would you find it useful to find out more?
Repeat this short exercise, standing in each of your lover’s areas, one by one. Notice what attracts you, notice what repels you. Notice if you could remain there, notice if you couldn’t. Again, what do you know? How do you know what you know? Is there any information missing?
When you’ve finished in each of the areas, step outside the areas, and if you can, take another step further back. From there take in everything you’ve seen, thought and felt..
And from that space there, check what you know about the history of your lover. How was their past? What were they like? How does their past influence each of their areas today? Is there any information about your lover that’s missing? Speak to yourself out loud if you need to, or take notes.
Now, look over at their areas and contrast them with your areas. Are you interested in the same things? To what extent? How much of a match do you seem from there? Could you compromise in any of the areas?
And finally from that vantage point where you now find yourself, ask yourself: where is this person heading to? What is their future going to be like? Hypothesize.
Just as a little test, ask yourself: if I changed the context of the relationship, what would I then perceive? By context I mean to say, what if that person were a friend? A sibling? A mere acquaintance? A client?
In conclusion, what is that person’s process in life? What are they becoming??
I’d love to hear your comments about your experiences with this exercise – what you thought, what you felt, and if you had any changes in perspective. Remember, reading and imagining will NOT do the exercise justice! The information is what you feel whilst stood in each of the areas, so get up off your computer.
Also, if you find the explication unclear, or a bit difficult to understand in places, please let me know so that I can improve the text. These exercises are always much easier for me working person to person. Writing them down for me is still an experiment.
Comment box is below ;)
This is the third of four things I learnt this summer in La Cazalla de la Sierra, Seville, Southern Spain. We chose an aleatory wing of a dilapidated monastery from where to carry out the above exercise, whose red tint glass ceiling panels cast a stark bloodshot shadow across the whole event. If you can find a more dramatic place to carry out this exercise or any other of my coaching exercises, I suggest you to do it.
By the way, you know what ended up seeming a better fit for certain long time flirting girl?
Bratty little sister.
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